It has been over a year since I posted my last blog post and since my dad passed away.
The past year has flown by and it has been the most difficult time of my life. The raw grief has simmered to a dull ache but in quieter moments, mostly when I’m alone, it comes back in full force and it feels like my heart is breaking all over again.
Growing up, I had a tumultuous relationship with my parents and fought with them all the time over every little issue. I was always angry and wanted to break out of the small square box they placed me in. My parents had strict rules and set ideas about who I should be and what I should do with my life. It was difficult for me to see their point of view and I moved out as soon as I could. Being independent and not relying on anyone for help is a big part of who I am and I was determined to show them that I could do it on my own.
Moving out and spending a year interstate helped. I learnt what it was really like to be independent. I learnt how to maximise each paycheck and got a better understanding of what it meant to ‘be an adult’. And boy, was there a lot of cleaning involved! It was an eye opener and the distance helped to repair the relationship I had with my parents. Despite all the fights and tears over the years, I knew that I could always count on them if I needed their help.
When I returned back to Perth we had developed an easy relationship but I only really saw them on birthday’s and other special occasions. I was always busy working, studying and trying to pick up the pieces of when I had left Perth. Time seemed to fly by but I always thought there would be time later on to develop a closer relationship with my parents. Time to get to know them as individuals. Time to learn about what they were like growing up. Time to give them grandchildren to play with.
When my dad passed away suddenly last year, I grieved not only for my dad as I knew him but also for the time that I’ll never have to really get to know him and see him as a grandfather to my future children. His death took the whole family by surprise and affected us all in different ways. I alternated between anger, regret and grief. The past year has been difficult for me but I am extremely grateful to the few individuals that have supported me during this time. Without them, I would have been lost.
If there is anything that I can take away from this experience, it is that life really is too short. Cherish the time you have with your loved ones and live every day like it is your last day.